Mind Cyclones
water element photo by Holly Kapusinski
Mind Cyclones
Holly Kapusinski MSN, RN, NC-BC, CPNP-PC, APRN
About two weeks I found myself reflecting on the why and what of my life during my morning routine while sitting in my stressless chair in adoration. I sank into my body surveying the terrain, questioning what I was feeling, attempting to keep my mind focused on the inside of my body instead of moving out of it into my mind, which is where I prefer to be most of the time. As a result of this inquiry, I had to admit I was in a mind cyclone.
Resistance creates tension and anxiety, and it makes life a burden.
Michael A. Singer
Yes, I quickly realized my body was signaling to me that my mind was in tangled mess. It was not a pleasant experience at all. I was having trouble sleeping, my body felt tight, tired, and strained, not like having overworked physically, but almost like the nervous system trying to find way out of itself. Normally, in the past, when I have experienced this, I haven’t had the awareness of what was happening until my body actually presented an outward symptom to me that couldn’t be ignored, like a foot issue, not being able to walk correctly, or headaches that came suddenly and without any cause.
If I am honest, I did get one of those signals from my body in the form of an eye issue that required a trip to the optometrist. I was stopped in my tracks after the visit. Once again I was following old ways of being that I had learned as a child, which are incredibly challenging to let go of as an adult unless you are actively working on resolving them, which I have been doing, so there was some consolation I was on the right track, but it was still frustrating because like my younger self, I am someone who aims high, strives too much, and seeks to gain my worth through doing instead of being.
I was not sure how I was going to address all that was happening, until the answer came in the form of book I started reading…..yes, again doing, but the first few paragraphs calmed the mind cyclone and I felt as if I had the answer literally in my hands. There were words I was reading that explained exactly what was taking place in my mind and I was suddenly understanding so much more than I had earlier.
In Oliver Burkeman’s book entitled, Four Thousand Weeks: Time Management for Mortals, I discovered what was happening in my whirlwind of psychic energy the past two weeks and I’d like to share the secret with you.
“Once time is a resource to be used, you start to feel pressure, whether from external forces or from yourself, to use it well, and berate yourself when you feel you’ve wasted it.”
I like to pride myself on my time management skills and wear it like a badge of honor. Lately, I’ve been creating a new badge and making it larger than it was previously, so everyone will see it and have no doubts that I am pursuing the BEST time management of anyone. But over the past couple of months as I have been pursuing this bigger badge, I have been receiving messages from the universe about what I’m doing and asking me to reconsider my position and drive forward.
During another reading adventure, Bishop Robert Barron stated in his book, The Great Story of Israel: Election, Freedom, and Holiness, that “time itself is a creature.” I had never considered this paradigm before, and I spent several days reflecting on this and how I felt about it. So, what was my mind cyclone all about anyway? I was feeling dominated by something that was created for my good and I wasn’t using it very wisely.
Yes, I let my life be about all the doing, hurrying, and meeting deadlines to get ahead, make more money, achieve more recognition, feel important to others, or I could go deeper into the why. Once again, I recognized that I have so much work to do on myself to come into balance, between who I am and who I want others to see. I needed to figure out what to do with those remaining 4000 weeks of my life.
I got on my laptop and purchased a round-trip ticket to see my newly married daughter and son in law next month in her new apartment and state. I am on the right track…..today.