Grief
Grief is like a torrential wind storm enveloping you full force only to abate in silence and stillness like a black hole with nothing to anchor you to Earth. When I envision it I reminisce about an old Maxell commercial. The person is sitting in a chair all alone when the butler shows up and asks if he wants the same music played again. As the music begins he is blown away from the sound. Such is what I felt three years ago when I sent neighbors to check on my mom when I could not reach her for two days. As I held the phone to my ear, they went into her home, 1,000 miles away, time stopped. Although I was physically here my whole being was there entering the house with them. I heard them calling her name as they went room to room. I tried calming myself by giving advice as they went along, requesting they announce themselves in case she was having a psychotic episode. I thought about how she may be afraid, thinking someone might hurt her. It took only two minutes of searching before I heard them as they found her in her bed. At that moment, the cascading effects of grief began to overwhelm me like a waterfall.
According to Laura Kincaid, a Hospice nurse, “some loved ones try to prepare for grief, but no one can really know how they will feel until it actually happens.” Most people don’t prepare for grief or think about the grieving process when journeying with loved ones who are in the final stages of life, dealing with a long term illness, or acute health crisis. The focus is usually on recovery. Some do consider how they will feel, or deal with the death of their loved one, but no one can prepare for the total consumption of mind, body, and spirit in grief. It is physically taxing, emotionally draining, and spiritually dark. Even grief that accompanies the loss of those who are dying due to old age or a long illness brings surprising experiences. I’m not an expert on death and dying, nor an expert on grief, but I can share with you some of the things I found useful for myself through this journey after the sudden death of my mom.
Here is what I found to be helpful during the grief process.
Give yourself the gift of time. Time to feel, both emotionally and physically. I decided to let go of all my monthly commitments for a set amount of time and then re-evaluate after that time. In essence, I slowed my schedule down to allow myself space and time to be present to the situation and myself.
Give yourself permission to explore your feelings. I also took steps to care for myself emotionally. I surrounded myself with people I could talk with and share my feelings. I acknowledged my pain to myself and others and if I started to feel overwhelmed with life’s tasks, I shared that information with those around me.
Move your body. I continued to move my body through bike riding and long walks encouraging grief to move through my being and not stay inside. Exercise releases hormones that make us feel good.
Discover! I also gave myself time to go through my mom’s belongings, not rushing to make decisions about what to keep or get rid hastily. I welcomed the gift of discovery into my life. By this I mean that I allowed the movement of my mom’s life and habits to come to mine so I could enjoy her all over again. As I went through her things, belongings, and books, I pondered what they meant to her and how they had influenced her daily life. What was she doing in the days before she died? I looked for little clues that helped me build a picture of her life in the days before she died. I enjoyed reading her hand written notes to herself, reminders, and quips. It was a priceless experience for me, giving me new memories to take forward in life now that she was gone. I put things aside that were too painful to be looked at another time. Sometimes it took several months before I looked at items or explore, and others over a year or more. Everyone’s time frame is different, but the general rule is to wait at least one year unless you feel ready now.
Surround yourself with something they loved. I found it helped me when I placed a few items around my home that my mom loved such as a ceramic bird, roosters she had in the windowsill above her kitchen sink, and her collection of nature gems, items she found on her nature walks. I also kept a bottle of her face lotion and used it until it was gone, thinking of how she had used it too.
Get additional help if needed. There were times I could not manage the emotions or the pain and I reached out to a local grief support group. Many of the Hospice Centers offer this service. Go online and search for grief support groups on FaceBook. I found this helpful when I dealt with another loss. I found it helpful to talk with strangers who didn’t know the details of my childhood relationship with my mom. Writing is a very therapeutic tool. Write yourself a letter or to the person you lost.
While I’m talking about the loss of a person this information is just as important when a pet dies. The loss of a pet brings grief just as powerful and overwhelming as does the loss of a loved one. Divorce and separation are other types of loss. Follow your heart and take your time when experiencing any type of loss.
Prepare. Over the past three years I’ve incorporated other techniques such as planning ahead of time what to do and who to be with when an anniversary, birthday, or special occasion is approaching. On the first anniversary of her birthday I took a trip to Scotland with my daughter because my mom loved to travel and it would have thrilled her to go. We celebrated her life and spent a lot of time talking about her. The holidays are an especially difficult time so I have gone to my best friend’s house and shared Thanksgiving with her family, starting new traditions. My birthday is another difficult day so I schedule fun activities and adventures. This year’s anniversary was quite fun as I had purchased a washer and dryer set to be delivered on the day of her death. It was fun because only I knew how much my mom enjoyed going to the laundromat!
Finally, while time does not erase the loss, it may lessen the tidal wave of pain. I don’t feel the rawness of my mom’s unexpected loss the way I did three years ago, but I do have moments where I am overwhelmed once again. A day does not go by that I don’t think, speak, or pray for my mom. So on this 3rd anniversary, I leave you with these lyrics that sum up my relationship with my mom from the song “Wind Beneath My Wings.” Mom, you are still the wind beneath my wings!
Wind Beneath My Wings
Ohhhh, oh, oh, oh, ohhh.
It must have been cold there in my shadow,
To never have sunlight on your face.
You were content to let me shine, that's your way.
You always walked a step behind.
So I was the one with all the glory,
While you were the one with all the strength.
A beautiful face without a name for so long.
A beautiful smile to hide the pain.
Did you ever know that you're my hero,
And everything I would like to be?
I can fly higher than an eagle,
For you are the wind beneath my wings.
It might have appeared to go unnoticed,
But I've got it all here in my heart.
I want you to know I know the truth, of course I know it.
I would be nothing without you.
Did you ever know that you're my hero?
You're everything I wish I could be.
I could…
Source: LyricFind
The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing... not healing, not curing... that is a friend who cares.