Do You Know Where You're Going?

Sometimes we need pause and reflect on where we are and where we want to go.

I have been a caretaker most of my life and this role with all its responsibilities left little time for me to contemplate the state of my life very often. So when my mom first asked me this question, “Do you know where you’re going?” I was a little miffed to say the least because I was in a car driving 1,000 miles from Ohio to Mississippi taking her to my home to care for her which I hadn’t planned on doing at the time.

During the last six years of her life, I spent more time taking care of her and this was a gift to me as I had less of her time while growing up.  I grew up in a mostly single parent household, so my mom was working most days and I always wished I could have had a stay-at-home mom like most kids I knew.  Taking care of her during her cognitive decline was a prayer answered because I had more time with her during her last six years than I had my entire childhood.

It began with me receiving a phone call and then a visit from a family friend who informed me that my mom was not stable mentally.  I recommended she go to the Emergency Room, but my mom said no and so my friend took her to a friend’s house until I could arrive.  I prepared for the journey by packing some childhood photos of myself that I had recently been given and I thought she might be able to connect with them as they were memories from her past. I was hoping this would be a bridge to her current reality.  Thus, began my journey with my mother into her final years. 

It became clear to me that my mom needed some intensive, daily care, and she wasn’t open to receiving that care at home, so I purchased my dream car, a Subaru, sight unseen, and drove us back to Mississippi in a snowstorm.  It was a long drive from Ohio to Mississippi and I was not sure she would be healthy enough to make the drive, but there were no other options so on we went.  My mother and I have taken many road trips together over the years and they were always a source of connection and happiness.  It was a time for us to reconnect when I was younger and now, I was reconnecting once again in familiar surroundings, the car. 

During our sojourn, she would frequently ask me, “Do you know where you’re going?”  It became an inside joke to us however, I believe we were talking about two different things now that I have had time to contemplate the question several years later.  In difficult situations when there is a crisis happening involving the period of transitional life or end of life, we do not perceive underlying messages or communications from our loved ones until much later when we have had time to ponder them or examine them in a different light.  I believe what my mother was asking me was much deeper than I originally thought or noticed. 

More recently, this question has become more to me than a question about directions, space, or time.  I have begun to understand there may be more to ponder under the surface of this question, “Do you know where you’re going?” such as:  do you have an intention for your day, week, or life?  Are you waking up every day with a direction?  If so, are you checking in with yourself periodically to see if you are moving in the right direction?  Do your behaviors reflect your intentions?

What do I mean by intention?  In Dossey & Keegan’s Holistic Nursing:  A Handbook for Practice 8th ed., intention is “the conscious awareness of being in the present moment to help facilitate the healing process; a volitional act of love; conscious alignment of essence and purpose allowing the highest good to flow through a healing intervention.” (pg. 26) In essence, when there is intention in your daily life, you are actively moving and being in a healing environment with yourself and the world.

It is my belief that my mom was asking me a deeper question at the time, that she was beginning to probe me, asking me to examine my life and purpose in an intentional way as she was her own life.  Reflecting on some of the experiences I was having with my mother as she moved through her cognitive decline, I have re-imagined what they could have meant, and I feel certain they were blessings to me and seeds for growth, discovery, and rebirth.

Growth did happen because I now live my life more intentionally, make plans based on those intentions, and I evaluate daily if I am moving in the right direction.  I have become more mindful, and I feel more fulfilled.  It was one of the best questions I have ever been asked and I now feel more connected to myself and others.

Perhaps you are drifting along in your life and need a reminder, “Do you know where you’re going?”  We could all use a little reminder.

The journey is long, rugged, filled with mountain peaks and low valleys,

But there are people, animals, and experiences along the way.

Sometimes, I am alone, afraid of what is coming

Other times I am smiling, laughing,

With a carefree heart and soul.

No matter what happens along the journey,

I feel I am being held and protected.

Even in the middle of vastness,

I am whole and complete.

There is nothing to be afraid of

And there is no need to run away

Only BE.

Holly Kapusinski