Dangerous Thinking
“You and I must first be what we ought to be…let each one do the same, and all will be well.” St. Peter of Alcantara
Sometimes we don’t know how much danger we are in. People say, “How could you not know?” “Didn’t you see how things were changing?” “Haven’t you noticed how your body was changing?” Alcoholics, drug addicts, victims of abuse, diabetics, chronic autoimmune conditions clients I’m sure have all heard similar questions at least once or twice in the process of their conditions to no avail. So, what is really going on?
Our collective loss of love is the reason. When our interior life has lost love, we can’t see what is right in front of us. Hope, faith, and the brain, if we are lucky enough, will be the ship to bring us back to love. I think the proverbial “We have lost our minds” may be appropriate. According to Dr. Norman Doidge, in his book, The Brain That Changes Itself, “…the brain and genetics produce culture, but the culture also shapes the brain.”
How can we intervene in this scenario? Everyone knows how difficult it is to change even the smallest habits let alone change a collective habit that will influence the culture and our collective thinking and being. I propose we try Nonviolent Communication developed by Dr. Marshall B. Rosenberg. He appropriately refers to it as “a language of life.” Love brings life to relationships and each other, hence if we are speaking a language of life, we are bringing love.
I discovered NVC, as it is affectionately called, while I was in my certification course to become a Nurse Coach and I instantly fell in love with it. Finally, I thought, a way to bring language, words, and yourself into communication that nurtured all parties involved in communicating with one another. I also fell in love with NVC because it encourages you to begin with yourself and how you are speaking to yourself. I had developed many layers of self-criticism through my years of living and found myself constantly punishing myself, being hyper-critical, and unloving towards myself. How I was speaking to myself was not in line with how I spoke with others. I always gave everyone else the benefit of the doubt, was kind, compassionate, thoughtful, and loving, but I could not say the same about myself.
I once came upon a young lady in the bathroom standing in front of the mirror berating herself for her behavior and how she had managed a situation and I was struck in that moment to my core about how I do the same things only in silence. How many times I had stood in front of the mirror detailing all my faults, what I had failed to do or not do, picked apart my physical imperfections, and how I was unworthy of so much. Learning about NVC changed that for me. I began to understand myself more, learn my needs, make requests, and identify what I was feeling. I began to transform, starting with myself, and I started to give myself all I had been giving to others and desperately wanted myself.
Once we are kind, knowledgeable about our needs and wants, know how to express those to others, we can create an atmosphere that tells others we care about them and their needs, desires, and wants without judgement. We can create a space for one another to be authentic, fully present, alive in the moment, and in communion. Once we have that space, I believe magic can occur; we call it love.
“Self-judgements, like all judgements, are tragic expressions of unmet needs.”
Dr. Marshall Rosenberg