Choose Love
Connie Smith Bon
I took a walk in the woods today, led there by curiosity, grief, and wonder. The crisp fall morning air blowing across my cheeks, touching my inner being and bringing delight to my soul. As I made my way towards the path I have come to discover over the past several weeks, I heard a flock of geese overhead calling one another and mallards on the Black Bay reassuring one another with their sounds, and I saw the sun and moon watching one another in the sky. My mind is filled with many thoughts, emotions, and remembrance like a cobweb gathering insects, dew, and light in the early morning. As I start my ascent up the large granite giants, I start to look for a path to follow that will lead me to a place I want to investigate, connect to, and sit for a while. I have been called to this place because it reminds me of my mother and her love for the woods. She left the earth four years ago today.
In all actuality I am not sure when she left this earth because I was not there to send her off. It was a great sadness to me at the time but I have come to understand it was not her wish to say good-bye that way. She was never good at saying good-bye even while alive and I let go of this pain. There were a lot of things in life that were difficult for her, but the one area she excelled in was love.
She chose love over bitterness and I found many examples of this while going through her left behind belongings. Two of my favorites I am going to share with you because they need to be spoken aloud in the universe today on the anniversary of her death. It is an honor to have knowledge of them and so I pass them on to you.
As I was going through her financial papers making decisions about what to shred or keep, I came across an old bank book from the 1980’s. Curious as I am, I wanted to take a peek into the financial life of my mom who was a single parent most of her life. I came across an entry for a check to pay for my undergraduate tuition at Purdue University for one semester. I took pride in how my mom had helped me in that difficult moment for us both, having so little money, and she had given me what I needed at the time to continue my education. What I never knew was that by paying my tuition for the semester and writing that check she left only $5 in her bank account. It was both a painful and cherished moment for me to see the depth of her love for me.
The second incident I discovered was a letter she had written to herself detailing how proud she was of herself for stopping to help a blind man get groceries. She described how she saw him struggling to make his way to the store, find a cart, and locate items in the aisles he needed. She saw his bewilderment, helplessness, fear, and uncertainty, and how it made her angry that no one noticed, so she decided to love, both herself and him. I kept that letter.
One day in the not to distant future, I am going to write more about the incredible life of this imperfect, flawed, and broken woman, who chose to love life, people, and use all her talents to make the world a better place despite all her hardships. I hope you will join me on that journey. Today, please just offer a small prayer of thanksgiving and gratitude for my mom who loved me so very much. I hope to and aspire to be an example to others just like her.
I love you now and forever mom.
Holly Kapusinski MSN, RN NC-BC